Heavier Things...

The wind has left my blogging sail a little bit and I am unsure how to proceed. It seems that people may be getting the wrong impression of me and maybe I need to explain why I am putting my time and energy into this blog. These are actually going to be really hard words for me to write because, I am a private person and I often keep my heavier feelings inside. But, sometimes these things need to be said.

Amazing deal on this cardigan, right?

 I spent a lot of my life feeling like I couldn't do or wear certain things because I wasn't skinny. I have been bullied a lot and made to feel like I was less valuable as a person and I let that control me for a long time. I was so unhappy with myself and I could barely be around other people for fear of them judging me. I buried everything that was me under piles of fear and anxiety.

Then, I got sick of it and I just stopped letting other people define me. I honestly don't know where the motivation came from but, I just started caring more about what I thought of myself than what others thought of me. I started living more and letting myself enjoy life regardless of what I looked like.

I still face the reality of being bullied. It happens a lot less frequently but, every now and again, strangers will still laugh at me, make comments, or call me names. I still get sad. I still get angry. But, I don't consider myself the problem anymore.

This dress is completely amazing and even though the pattern is more appropriate for warmer month, I think  it is perfect paired with a neutral cardigan and warm scarf.

When I found the community of people in the plus-sized blogging world I was thrilled. These were people who had experienced similar struggles as me and had came out the other end with great attitudes! I could relate to these girls and I loved reading about their lives. I was inspired by their courage and it helped fuel mine.

When I left my job to be a stay-at-home mom I found myself with free time for the first time ever. It was great but, I also missed creating things and being a part of something bigger. So, I decided to start this blog  as a way to share my experience in the things I am passionate about, like fashion, style, and interior design. I started blogging to be a part of something again.

I think I want to be buried in this scarf. The color! The velvet! Gah! This is one of those things that  you see in the store and you know it completely defines you. Yes, I am an auburn, velvet, infinity scarf and proud of it.

God knows I don't do it to show off. I still feel a little fear every time I post new pictures as I am putting myself up to the scrutiny of the biggest bully machine that exists, the internet. Who actually wants to do that? Not me! I do it to connect with wonderful people and to create some positive imagery that might, hopefully, contribute to a more positive and accepting world.

Even if it kills me to think this, I do have to accept that the nature of my posts may make me look vain, narcissistic, or materialist to people who really don't know me. 

And in that case, any information I include on my posts is purely informative. When I include the stores where I bought my clothes and the prices I paid for them, I do that to illustrate how I make my budget work for me. I like to show the items that I saved on, the ones I splurged on, and the ones I get great deals on to be completely transparent with you and with myself on how I build my wardrobe. It shows you how I choose to use my money and it keeps me aware of how much I am spending.

Maybe fashion isn't your thing and then it might look like I am spending a lot of money on something silly. But, everyone has a hobby, passion, or a habit that they spend a lot of money on. What I spend my money on may not be what your spending your money. But, it works the other way around too (that is if you don't have a serious clothes habit).

Maybe you think clothes are superficial and this whole thing baffles you. But, to me, what I’m wearing feels like an extension of my spirit. It's thrilling to collect bits and pieces that can be put together to make something beautiful. I see each piece of clothing or jewelry as having a story to tell. Colors and patterns and textures can speak to me. They can be touching and moving and meaningful in ways that cannot be quantified. Basically, it's anything but superficial to me.

But, I also know that just me! That's who I am and how I feel. What you wear and what you look like doesn't make one bit of difference to me. I like to see people for their spirit or their essence and I try to appreciate everyone for their personal style, even if it is dead opposite of mine. I love to see other people expressing themselves in a way that is right for them.

I guess I don't really feel the need to defend or justify what I am doing, it just makes me sad that some people are taking negative things away from something that I want to be 100% positive.